Secret crush

I always forget how much I love glow sticks till I have one. Especially when its free.

another brilliant phone conversation

over heard this whilst someone was on their cell last night.
"i don't know why they think i'm such a bad person. i don't even remember what happened that night. i was so high from snorting vicadin and doin shots of jack daniels that i blacked out."
maybe think a little harder dude

i was almost just outsmarted

by my sports bra.
sometimes getting dressed is hard.

i am a little twisted

went out to clean up dog poop a bit ago.
i almost took a picture of this pile my dog had just dropped.
it was garganutan!
i know gross!
but funny...

damn u for being right!

damn u fitness/eating right people...
exercise and eating better does work.
i hate all of you right now.
okay loosing weight is great...
but so is pizza, beer, and sitting on my ass.

The pill

I love the birth control is just refered to as "the pill" I think cause its the one you should never forget to take so it deserves the title "THE" like its the most important pill one planet.

Its 2013

Why the hell hasn't someeone come up with a cure for a hangover. Maybe I'll hold a telethon or a benefit or somethin.

been slackin but here's a haiku

oh pony tail holders
where do you disappear to
i've lost twenty

Garage sale

Best ad ever...
"Going back to prison sale"

handwriting

note to self when someone writes shit on the palm of your hand at the bar don't sleep on it.
it looked kinda cool backwards but took a layer of skin off trying to wash it off

Haiku

Oh most boring days
What am I to post about
All work and no play....

boredom leads to...

a fake match.com profile created by me and some friends
hint to peeps out there.
don't take your profile pic at costco.

Yup today this is my life

Hella cleaned my kitchen
Decided to make lunch
Pulled homemade peanut dressing out of frdge
Dumped it on my oh so pretty kitchen floor.
Yes I did think about using it still
But I didnt

oh laundromat..

always an adventure
yesterday was there.
walked in and there were 5 guys there.
3 were wearing holey tshirts and their swim trunks
3 of them were packing their laundry in garabge bags.
hehehe
always something to see.....

haiku time

Not cooking is good
Really good when someone else is.
Makes for a great night.

Fuck its hot

If I really wanted to be in this kinda heat for this long. I would have thrown caution into the wind. Punched a baby, had waaaaay more sex, told everyone what I really thought, drove recklously, and partied hard so I ended up in hell the old fashion way.

analyzing

i have really vivid dreams.
they also go on forever.
almost like a crappy movie.
last night i dreamed i was back in college.
i think it means i should go out and drink tonight...
maybe play some beer pong.
it is a school night afterall.

gym jail

every few months i get back into a great gym routine.
i'm suffering thru it now.
like a prison sentence i count each day i've made it thru
if i make it to 30 can i get an early release?

Crappy chappy

Thank goodness three olives vodka did a promo making crappy chapstick a while ago. Thank goodness I saved a few. When my favorite stuff is at the end and that last little bit falls out of the tube and rolls across the floor into a big ball of dog hair I know somewhere in my house I have the crappy stuff stashed for a chapped lipped emergnecy.

breakfast

if there is peanut butter in the sauce of the cold pizza i ate for breakfast...
that counts as a breakfast food right?

haiku of the week

scar on your neck
broad shoulders in your sundress
you go...now a girl

30 seconds before...30 seconds later

to quote one of my besties
"life is lifey"
like when you leave a bar in the wee hours of the morning with someone and the last person you would want to see just happens to be driving by. ahhhhh
life is lifey

Unique ashtray

Always something new to see at your local watering hole. I wouldn't have thought a condom is a good ashtry, but I had never tried. Kudos for creativity.

muffin top

dude really
ganster jeans belted around your ass
showing off your plaid boxers
fyi....
you need to bump up a size so you don't get muffin top over your plaid boxers

backwash bill

at a local bar tho other night. i see this guy. he's short, greasy shoulder length greying hair, not exactly a looker. anyhow i see him combining to cans of beer into one. I was thinking they were both his and he was just combining them.
Oh no
He was checking every beer can/bottle on the patio and if there was anything in them he was pouring it into his.
EEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWW!
I named him backwash bill
but we can call him hep c for short.

stop talking

to the men i've met lately...

to the aging hipster....not everything u say is thought provoking and poetic
to the gardener...if growing things was truly all u wanted to do you wouldn't be sitting in a bar trying to convince me all texting is evil.
to the workaholic...you aren't saving the world, your job isn't that interesting, and its not commendable thats all you do.

To all  3 of you
Shut up
ask questions of your fellow human beings, there are topics out there you don't know everything about
and above all
find some fucking new hobbies

haiku

my yellow bracelet
tightly grasping my left wrist
what a night we had

babysitter

was in a large super store the other day.
one i always try to avoid.
in the entertainment section i come across this...
a large flat screen tv playing a kids movie
3 shoppingcarts perfectly staggered each with one kid in them
but nothing else in the cart
were these people shopping or just left there kids there for some free daycare

9 toe

i met a woman today who recently lost a toe, as most people in my life that i meet she has an awesomme look on her situation. She actually said at one point... "it will only take 5 seconds and thats one more than i can count to on my foot!"
9 toe u r awesome!

float

went out for a nice little trip down the river today. its a little more exciting then most. a few small sets of rapids. today was a little more exciting then normal.
1. some guys on the shore said "nice boobs can we see them" my standard reply... " sorry im not drunk enough.
2. at some point i lost my shirt. (yes i had bikini top on)
3. major lightning and thunder storm. a little uneasy to be on water during that.
4. and finally a friend  crossing the river to help me get back to the other side so we could get off the river and not get struck by ligthning
i have a fun life.

and in case you are keeping track the bruise count is up to 8 + 3 pretty good scratches.

thank you

thank you last night for the sore jaw.
i can barely eat today
its a great diet.

heels

i do not wear heels
last night was a reminder why
this morning i have...
4 new bruises
2 new scratches
and a swollen jaw
ok maybe alcohol might not have helped

yup

tour of my home this am turns up the following...
full open beer can next to my bed
sangria stains on my countertop
pans with food still in them on stove
empty beer can in yard next to a full ashtray
the only thing missing is a naked man in my bed.
then the night would have been a true shitshow.

thank you f'book

how lucky are we to be able to see pictures on certain sites of old ex-boyfriends.
you know the one or two or three that broke your heart.
and now we breathe a sigh of relief and thank them because...
eeeeeewwwwwwww
they did NOT age well.

ode to "the jerk"

all i need is this hammock
all i need is this hammock and my dog
all i need is this hammock my dog and this can of beer
all i need is this hammock my dog this can of beer and replacements on spotify
all i need is this hanmock my dog this can of beer replacemnts on spotify and this smoke....

girl talk

hanging on a patio at a local watering hole with a couple of chicks when the stripper bus goes by (bus that takes guys from one strip club to another) the conversations morphs into one about a stripper who is a germaphobe
saranwraps the dude before a lap dance
always wears a cowgirl outfit to start so she can where a holster packing lysol and hand sanitizer
thong that dispenses antibiotic wet naps for the pole
adapted her stripper heels to spray sanitizer on the floor before she slide across it.
we could keep going for hours....

horrible

so the other day i go to a movie. i take my dog. leave him in a shaded cool parking garage, windows cracked a couple inches, plenty of water, under 70 out. ps i am the best dog parent ever!
came out to a note in my front seat. with just the word "horrible" on it.
the best was it was written on a bar napkin in bright stipper pink lipstick. to u girl who felt like u know whats best for dog. i laugh that in your whore bag purse that probably still had your waded up thong from the night before in it the only thing u could find to write with and on is a bar napkin an your ho-bag neon pink lipstick. party on.

a rough day

u know it was a rough day when your phone needs to get drunk...
it literally jumped out of my hand and into my glass of wine!

best night ever...worst night ever

in one hour these 3 things happened...
somebody threatened to call 911 on me
somebody offered to bury a body in the desert for me
and somebody wanted to help me by suggesting to help in a 3 way with me and a good friend of mine
i tapped out of all 3 situations...fyi

mn girl

my favorite thing bout warm weather  is that i can wash my face with cold water. it reminds me of never have enough warm water in the winters in minnesota

insert your home town here...

if i wanted to spread melted butter on white bread i would have stayed in.....

i'm back

it takes a village...
to get rid of an idiot