ode to "the jerk"

all i need is this hammock
all i need is this hammock and my dog
all i need is this hammock my dog and this can of beer
all i need is this hammock my dog this can of beer and replacements on spotify
all i need is this hanmock my dog this can of beer replacemnts on spotify and this smoke....

girl talk

hanging on a patio at a local watering hole with a couple of chicks when the stripper bus goes by (bus that takes guys from one strip club to another) the conversations morphs into one about a stripper who is a germaphobe
saranwraps the dude before a lap dance
always wears a cowgirl outfit to start so she can where a holster packing lysol and hand sanitizer
thong that dispenses antibiotic wet naps for the pole
adapted her stripper heels to spray sanitizer on the floor before she slide across it.
we could keep going for hours....

horrible

so the other day i go to a movie. i take my dog. leave him in a shaded cool parking garage, windows cracked a couple inches, plenty of water, under 70 out. ps i am the best dog parent ever!
came out to a note in my front seat. with just the word "horrible" on it.
the best was it was written on a bar napkin in bright stipper pink lipstick. to u girl who felt like u know whats best for dog. i laugh that in your whore bag purse that probably still had your waded up thong from the night before in it the only thing u could find to write with and on is a bar napkin an your ho-bag neon pink lipstick. party on.

a rough day

u know it was a rough day when your phone needs to get drunk...
it literally jumped out of my hand and into my glass of wine!

best night ever...worst night ever

in one hour these 3 things happened...
somebody threatened to call 911 on me
somebody offered to bury a body in the desert for me
and somebody wanted to help me by suggesting to help in a 3 way with me and a good friend of mine
i tapped out of all 3 situations...fyi

mn girl

my favorite thing bout warm weather  is that i can wash my face with cold water. it reminds me of never have enough warm water in the winters in minnesota

insert your home town here...

if i wanted to spread melted butter on white bread i would have stayed in.....

i'm back

it takes a village...
to get rid of an idiot