things i've heard

in the last 48 hours hanging with a good friend i've heard the following

"you look so good if i could i would take you home right now and fuck you" (not to me, don't know if that's good or bad)

"all i expect of her (meaning his wife) is food and a drink when i get home, sex, .... and clean clothes, .... and a clean house....
and she should smell good once in a while."

"when i first moved in she came over at 11am and asked if i wanted a vodka and fresca"

people are strange

changing seasons

even my hand soap knows its fall...
i just ran out of my mojito and next flavor in my closet pumpkin spice. I'm glad my soap keeps track of these things for me.

another weird one.

is weird that i know i fit in my dog's kennel.
and that he looks at me all jealous when i'm in there.

too much

when have you had too much coffee?
when your shakey hands drop your coffee cup.

best idea ever

a new restaurant
where every item on the menu has all of the following...
nuts
gluten
meat
trans fat
dairy

the name

EPI
and a epi pen will be served with every item

crazy talk

i wonder if i was OCD would my house would be cleaner??

jealous

im kinda jealous of my dog right now, he found a tennis ball on our walk and has been playing with it ever since.
he's SUPER happy about this new find. kinda wish i could be that excited about finding a tennis ball. oh well i'll settle for finding a pair of jeans that make my butt look cute.  do you think i'll find them on my next walk?

the gym

you know you are having a rough gym day when u look forward to doing situps just so u can lie down for a second.

luck

is it good or bad luck when a piece of fruit falls from a tree and hits u squarely on the top of your head?

things that r so true

mean people do suck

you are good enough
smart enough
and gosh darn it
people like you

and to quote and good friend's dad...
if  you are not moving ahead you are falling behind

grocery shopping

you know its time to grocery shop when you only have to move 7 items to clean the shelves in your fridge...
and 3 of them are restaurant to go containers.

weird

when u have weird day, and weirdness happens, and you are weirded out by the weirdness...
its time to step into the weird and embrace it and know that sometimes weird is now your norm

soooooo....

why is it that i always get garbage rounded up and taken out the day AFTER the garbage truck comes.

coolest thing said to me in a really long time

"you have a really strong core"

this was said to me by a lady at the gym, its awesome cause i've kept 30 lbs off and am working on getting a few more off and toning.

and it was awesome cause it wasn't said by a creepy guy followed with "wanna test it out"

sperm donor

so i'm walking my dog
this car stop and this couple gets out
after a few minutes of asking about my dog they ask if i would be interested in "hooking" up my male dog with their female.
i guess they have been keeping an eye on him on my walks and think he be the perfect sperm donor so their girl can have awesome puppies.
thank goodness he's fixed
i know he is a kick ass dog
but...
creepy weird right?

3 thougths

1. skinny hangers are the shit!

2. never tatoo a tv charachter on your body

3. when u forget to eat all day anything you have for dinner taste amazing!!

feel good movies

i am deeply disturbed by tommy lee jones in a "time for viagra" moment type movie.
yes the baby boomers are gaining control
i am also deeply concerned that my movie star crush hugh jackman might star in a movie in 10 years where he takes in his dead daughters 3 orhpan kids and has to teach them why life must go on while falling in love with the almost retired social worker keeping tabs on him.

weirdest part of my day

how can 10:30am in line at the drug store be sooooo the weirdest part of my day.
because,
of the meth head super excited to be buying sugar free licorice
apparently diabetes runs in her family but drug addiction ain't no thang

or the 19 year old on his cell phone from the moment he walked in pushing his 9 month old in a stroller with his 6 crumpled ones in hand walking to the counter to buy menthol cigs while still on the phone

or the teeth optional woman with a newborn.

and i don't live in the "hood" or anything

Karl is not my friend

Karl came into my life a few days ago
abrasive, ugly and annoying
almost painful to associate with daily
i worked with him and against him to get more of what i wanted
but he had a mind of his own
i hate karl
he annoys the shit out of me
and makes me feel ugly.

karl is the zit on the side of jaw
i named it because its huge and awful
and i hate the name karl
if it is there tomorrow
im making it a little felt beret
cause i hate berets.

keys

i think the more "accessories" you have other than keys on your key chain is directly proportional to how crazy you are.

one or two just normal amount of crazy...the amount we all are

three or more tilting more towards craaaaazzzzzzyyyy!

pastels

i'm not a big into pastel colors
more of a basic black kind of girl
but there are times when i love pastels...

purple roses
strawberry milkshakes
blueberry spit, when you eat a bunch of blueberries and then brush your teeth and when u spit its a pretty liliac color

happy finds

i just found a sleeve of wafer crackers to enjoy with some cheese and apple.
i was so happy, i just got home from work tired and hungry.
these little crackers made my day.

i don't think it is as good of a find as the cops finding my friends' stolen car yesterday
but finding things you lost or didn't know you had

always a good thing

friendship

thank goodness for friends
when i'm left to entertain myself
i'm far to productive
today is that day
man i'm tired
i need more friends

its just hot

life gets boring when its this hot
everyone moves slower
people are just crabby
the only good thing is you see alot more people out at 11pm
hopefully something interesting will happen today

i would hate to have to start getting introspective and thought provoking

a funny thing happen on the way down the mountain

went hiking today, on the way back down, we turned the corner and my dog stopped in its tracks. i looked up to see a llama laying in the middle of the trail.. there was another one standing a little further ahead looking back in disgust at its partner who was slowing it down. they were being led by two gay guys. 

i assumed the llamas name's were Laverne and Shirley because what else would two gay guys name their pet llamas that they take hiking.

ode to the drunk idiot behind the wheel on the forth of july

you behind the wheel that had AT LEAST one too many
you might have nothing to live for but i have plenty

next time you decide to have just one more
please call one of the hundred fucking cabbies to your door

the damage was minor when you blew thru that red
next time you pull that we all might be dead.

you scared the hell out of me and then drove away
you chicken shit you win asshole of the day

im sure the way you acted wasn't a fluke
next time please pass out in your own puke!!!!

mike vs. macgyver

okay the night set out to see magic mike
okay at the end of the day i dont have a penis
so we were going to see hot guys strippin'

alochol got in our way
a bottle of processco to  be exact
we walked to the movie theater

oops 40 minutes late

so we drank more

2 more martinis and we walked backed to our cars

my friend lost her keys...they were on the passenger seat of her car.
her driver side window was open 2 inches.
an antennae and a ladel later we were in

fuck mike
we are macgyvers!!!!

read directions

okay there are always things you can just "wing it on"
but
the following turn out much better if you follow the directions

1. jiffy pop
2. any piece of  "some assembly required" furniture that you want to support your wait
3. pregnancy tests

2 things i thought i'd never say

i used a whisk for cooking for the 3rd day in a row.

i finished a cucumber and a bag of lettuce before it went bad.

wiggle your big toe

some nights you just need a chick flick
you grab a bowl of popcorn, a glass of wine, and a box of tissue
you put a dvd in and get comfy

my favorite chick flick is....

kill bill
no better movie to show you hard core females!!

okay the only reason i need the tissues is to clean up the wine i spill acting out the fight scenes

the loss of a friend

i finished a chapstick today
one of my favorites
it was like losing a friend
not a friend that you see alot and has to move away...
but the "work friend" that you use to go to happy hour once in a while with but you can't anymore cause she got promoted to middle management and you are scared if you get drunk with her you might say something that will affect your 2 weeks of paid vacation a year type friend.
i miss you middle management chapstick

i'm too old for this sh*t

walked down to local dive bar in the wee hours of the morning for a final final with some friends.
you know that drink after you say "this is my last one and then i'm leaving"
i'm at and age where i don't think about bring my i.d.
c'mon dude at the door, if i got preggers in highschool i could be your mommy
so i get there and get carded, so i can't go in
i start walking away and some young girl wearing cowboy boots, daisy dukes, and a plaid shirt tied just below her double dd's (rodeo is in town)
vommits up her vodka red bull in front of me.
guys...hint...never give a 100 lb girl a 3rd vodka redbull.

and yes i'm too old for this sh*t

but alas you will see me do this again

cartoon carcasses

riddle my yard
an armless pooh
an earless dumbo
a legless tigger

why does my dog love appendages.

he can't pass them...i found pooh's arm in one piece in his poo.

just thought i'd share

help

okay if you are one of the 3 people reading this
please share
if you like this blog please share with your frineds
i want to make millions one day!

setting an example

i hate bugs in my house
ants, spiders etc...you are not welcome
ESPECIALLY SPIDERS!

i killed one last week, it stung me as it perished. i immediately went one line to see if i needed to dial 911
alas no its sting is ..."rather painful to humans but non poisonous"
it still pissed me off
a few days ago there was a big black (possibly black widow) spider crawling across my kitchen wall, i grab a shoe and smashed it against the wall
i left his dead carcass there
as an example to all other spiders
you are not welcome here
i haven't seen one since
it must me working

people i hate

skinny people
taught to like vegetables
and running
u know who u are
you enjoy green foods
and running for hours
and probably yoga
i hate you

good clean fun

seeing a big muscley guy at the landromat with a large PURPLE bottle of fabric softner, yes it had the litttle fuzzy bear on it.
it always makes me giggle

what's worse

eating a whole bag of chips...?

drinking a whole bottle of wine...?

i'll let you know when i get to the bottom of one or both.

shredding

when i shred old personal/financial info i secretly think it's to start a secret new life in the witness protection program or as a secret agent with lots of cool gadgets.

my dog is scared of...

my dog is scared of petco
we walk thru the motion sensered doors just fine, pass the ferets, tiny birds and fish.
we get to the dog bones and toys and he is fine as we get closer to the dog food he starts freaking out and looks like bambi on ice as his feet start moving independently of each other on the clean tile floor. as i look at another possible new food for my active finickey eater, he pulls and pants.

why is he scared...all of his favorite things come from this store.
it would be like me being scared of a liqour store.

put away day

okay so as u noticed i did laundry afew days ago.
i'm finally getting around to putting it away.
the main reason is, i just didn't feel like it.
but another is i need to wait a few days to get more clothes dirty so i have room to put the clean ones away.
and still my thought tooday is "damn i have way too many clothes"
sub thought...
crap i can't go thirft shopping this weekend cause i'll just by more clothes.
cause who can turned down a $4 lucky brand tank top, and i always find one.

laudromat

why is it when u r moving your clothes from the washers to the dryers, your most embarressing article of clothing drops on the floor.

june 5

it snowed

freeze warnings

enough said!

when i am blue

today i woke up a little blue.
so i did what most chicks do to cheer themselves up....

i detailed my car inside and out.

then it rained

you know that one site...

where u can sell stuff

i am truly addicted

considering driving 40 miles tomorrow for a look at a chair/chaise lounge/couch/turtle/trimmer

okay maybe i just want to go for a drive

rascals

ok, psa time (public service announcement)

if you chose to "drive" drunk on your rascal

please don't  go down a one way street the wrong way

you are just too easy to hit, i prefer more of a challenge.

on a day like today...

to quote a great movie, all you can say is...

"two tears in a bucket, motherfuck it!!!"

this is why i don't cook

in attempt to eat better i having been trying to cook at home more, follow recipes, for me self torture.  today this is what happened, a sprinkle of thyme turned into 3 tablespoons worth. i think you can have too much thyme.

outsmarted by a container of bean sprouts

why the heavy over the top tamper resistant container for sprouts.
did some kid o.d. on them.
did some guy in the 80's poison 10,000 containers of them.
are only smart and strong people suppose to eat them.

i finally ripped the lid of completely and put them in a baggie. stupid tamper resistant packaging, i hate you.

grocery store

i hit the grocery store at 10pm on the end of this holiday weekend...
the guy in front of me had a 6 pack of corona and mud pie ice cream
i had a bottle of red wine and a pack of cookies
girl behind me, ground beef, pack of buns and can a manwhich
guy behind her, a frozen pizza and 2 40 oz cans of beer

i think it was a rough weekend

be careful what u joke about

when u live in a state with brothels, and u make a riskey business style joke about house sitting u have to be careful about who is listening they might take u seriously.

guilty pleasure

duran duran pandora station. yes i do love it.

things that suck

carding someone who was born the same year you graduated high school!

world turtle day

today is world turtle day i mentioned this to a co-worker and he said "what does that mean?" my response... "you should go home and pet your turtle extra long today"

i know this is soooo wrong but...

two younger peeps came in for lunch carrying a bible first thought...can i bring a flask and lunch to church second thought...did they not want fries because fries cooking in oil reminds them of burning in hell

baby talk

if a woman is even flirting near the age of menopause baby talk becomes the most disgusting thing ever!!

funny

u know the bumper sticker..."if you are gonna ride my ass at least pull my hair" the guy driving the car was bald.

is this weird?

it rained today. where i am at this is a rare. my first thought is shit i just washed my dog's favorite toy and i think he left it outside when i left for work. yup i'm that person.